Life is a fuckin' rollercoaster

I'm finishing. I feel nostalgic. For some reason I feel like writing in English. Tomorrow is the global exam of my career. It's a fuckin' whole lot of non-sense, useless knowledge.

Later I'll meet some friends at school for studying. I feel stressed out but I'll try to enjoy the study session: probably it's the last one ever with some of them. Feels so fucking sad. I complained so long so much about fucking university, and now I hate to think about leaving 'cause I somehow learned to like it and I'll miss it.

This has been my busiest[est] week so far in 2006. Also, my most creative[st] one. Lots of insights, lots of inspiration: all wasted 'cause I'm oversmoking or eating out of anxiety (nice things by the way: yesterday I had probably best double-meat burguer ever and then some enchiladad suizas and then chocolate cheese cake and chocolate milkshake mmmh) while studying. Haven't been able to sit and write down ideas, 'cause there's so much to read, photocopies to make, nots to find, conferences to attend.

Funnily enough, I feel like I haven't done much, the stress has consumed me and i'm sorta' paralized, kinda' numb, my mind is elsewhere. Feel like I had lots of time to study and never did or just 'pretended' I did, my book in front of me, without memorizing a thing.

So I was complaining about why, why, why in hell do I leave everything to the last minute, until I found my mom downstairs running: she's hosting 12 of her friends for breakfast and she hasn't got anything quite ready yet. So, there I was, squeezing oranges and moving the table and setting the plates and heating up loads of tamales while worrying and stressing out.

So many things to enjoy but so many others to study so that the grade is decent tomorrow. Girl who used to be my best friend from high school graduates today at 6 P.M., will have to pause and make it to give her a hug. Feels so weird...

Another girl is celebrating birthday tonight and expects me to show up for even 5 min. tonight. Last year I couldn't make it and promised to death I'd make it this one. How dumb. No one can ever plan things. Life is so unpredictable. Who would say I'd be graduating? Who would say I'm not finally performing onstage?

Who would say that I miss people who cannot be with me just today? Who would say i wanna cry my brains out thinking about that 'ca use I really need it and I really miss her and I want her to see me when I'm graduated and she's the only one important that day but she won't be phisically with me so that I can see how proud of me she'd be? And of course, as everything in this system, has to be shut down and shut up and swallowed until the 'right' moment: because I got a whole fuckin lot to study and I just CAN'T be emotional today. Can't be sensible. Parce-que les etres sensibles ne sot pas des etres sensés, right? Not today. Maybe tomorrow after the exam is due.

After this, I want to make some lists, and write down an idea about a shortfilm that I really don't wanna forget because so far inside my head feels like a great one, but probably will have to take off to get together at a good time with my friends and live that 'final' study session (hopefully they're not too stressed out too). Wanna bring a camera and take a pic but maybe not, maybe they'll find me ridiculous if I do that. So, maybe tomorrow, when I try to reproduce the idea again, it'll be dead.

And life is a fuckin' rollercoaster, either too high or too short...when you're busy you're loaded, when you're free you're empty, and I don't know which of those I prefer...

P!nk just released one of the best songs of 2006, it's called Who knew, one of those songs tha become yours instantly, so I'm craving for it, and i need to sit down and listen to it all over again until I learn it then sing it then shout it then lose my voice to it. Maybe tomorrow...